Who am I?

 Summer had come and there was nothing to do. That was not necessarily true though, there was plenty to do. I could go to the pantry and make some food, or walk to the mall on such a wondrous day, hear the birds chirp an the trees sway, feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. Usually I would have enjoyed the click of the button on my Wii, followed by a series of rapid beeps that I’d mimic. I’d play naruto on it for a few minutes until I got bored of the repetition, now it was at the point where I just didn’t play it at all. We were promised dish, but we didn’t have it yet. The only other thing to do was get on a forum chat box and talk to other people about anything. On this day I chose to do none of the above, for no reason I’d been giving my current situation little thought, and at this moment I suppose my conscience couldn’t take it anymore because I begun to talk about it. I was talking to myself; I’d done it before, all my life actually because I was always alone, and that’s what I spoke about. I didn’t have a conversation with myself, it was more like writing an angry letter to not send, when you’re in a situation and you think it would be ineffectual to talk about it so you vent how you feel in a space where no one can hear you. I voiced how I felt about my parent separating. How my preferences made me a bad person How I felt about my relationship trouble, and most importantly my loneliness. This time to myself became the highlight of my days, now I couldn’t wait to be alone at home, for once I was happy to be by myself, without keeping myself busy. Day in and day out I unraveled the workings of the world for myself, I taught myself lessons and became cold by imminent tragedy that I have yet to face, and then wondered why life had to be that way. I wanted to save the world now, and then spent my time wondering how, looking at angles, trying to find solutions to common problems, wondering where I and people like me fit into this utopian world. This is when I became who I am now, this time in my life became the roots of my personal philosophy. I became comfortable with myself and learned to love myself, and live for myself. So now, whenever I’m all I’ve got, I’m okay.

When I was younger I was rather normal, but when I became a little older I grew awkward around my family causing myself to become a sort of a black sheep, so if ever they were around, I didn’t interact with them.  My friends were the only people who got to know the real me, but I couldn’t spend any time with them because it was summer, and I lived too far away. Everyone in the house could drive but me, and they let as soon as possible every day so that they wouldn’t have to live in boredom like me. They took me maybe once or twice so I didn’t go crazy and hurt myself or anything because I didn’t really get the difference between life and death. -It wasn’t anything traumatic, I was just bored.

My parents never really gave me any attention. I wasn’t neglected per se; I just didn’t seem to need them. My brother got all their attention because everything that he was I was the contrary I hung out with good kids, I got good grades, I had a fine relationship with all of my teachers. We even needed different levels of attention as babies, as he needed their attention constantly, yet I would get out of my own crib, throw my body down the stairs dangerously, get up, and walk away. I didn’t think too much of it in my early years but it became very detrimental to our relationship. We never enjoyed each other’s company; we weren’t friends. I know we can’t choose how our parents parent us but over time they just became bosses to me, which triggered me to avoid them leaving me more alone. Now most of what I hear from them is about money so I don’t ask them for anything ever.

As I began to live my life in my head for the most part I was able to teach myself a lot, and grow and mature as well. I stopped caring what people thought, I didn’t let other people bother me, I learned to love myself. I learned what I needed to live on earth. Not taxes or anything like that, but how to coexist with others. The lesson I believe is more important than all others because Taxes could stop being necessary, but people will be around much longer.

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